During this past year Shelley Pagitt and Tracy Vacura had the remarkable opportunity to become friends with Dionna Ingram, or Dee, through Holistic Yoga Teacher Training at Yoga Sanctuary. She shared about her extraordinary life as she trained with us for the next chapter in her life as a yoga teacher. Shelley spoke with Dee about her life and her desire to teach yoga to “other folks that look and feel like me”
DEE – The journey of surrendering to being accepted for my authentic self has been all about inclusion. I am a black woman who is also legally blind, with a history of sexual abuse and a mental health diagnosis of bipolar and schizophrenia — all the things the world says are factors for me to be excluded, ignored, and ridiculed. And most of my life, I felt left out or not considered. “You don’t belong, you can’t get in, you can’t go this far” because of this thing you were born with.
Then came yoga, and I learned all I needed to do is breathe. All of these things people are scared of, I realized each of those so-called disqualifying characteristics were not death sentences. They were stepping stones.
SHELLEY – What brought you to Yoga Sanctuary?
DEE – I had been going through a lot and basically ran to yoga… I had been told I may have lupus or sickle cell anemia, and my body was shutting down. My son was on his way to jail. I found out a guy I trusted for years lied to me. So my hope was running low.
When I came to your yoga class, Shelley, you were so inviting, I just wanted to come back. The second time I was in your class, your theme was about making sure the good outweighs the bad. However, you also stressed that we need to work to accept all the feelings, and to not feel guilty about having the feelings in the first place. I had so much heat on my heart – on top of being in the middle of Ramadan, I was so angry, hurt, and frustrated. When you said we just had to make sure we could overpower that with a positive feeling, you had us open our hands, palms up, and imagine holding the positive and the negative. I chose to hold love and hate in my hands. That very moment, I realized I do hate things, and even some people – however, I love so much more. And I said to myself, “I want this lady to teach me to teach yoga!”
SHELLEY – And now you’ve completed our Holistic Yoga Teacher Training program! Do you remember when your desire to learn yoga grew into a bigger desire to teach yoga?
DEE – When I told people I was doing yoga they said “Hell no, I don’t want to do that, it’s for white people.” Back then, I wasn’t comfortable explaining to people that I turned to yoga for my mental health – we don’t talk about it, we say we’re fine. My doctor suggested yoga because my bipolar was so bad my meds weren’t working. I wanted to do it for my kids. There is a yoga studio right on my street and did you know I’m the only person I know in my neighborhood that has done yoga? They say “Oh I’m not flexible enough, I can’t do this, we’re not supposed to be there.” I feel like it’s my purpose to share about yoga. I have this container that feels safe because I’m healing, and so I can reach into the fire and if you want to take my hand, you can breathe with me. I want to give it to you – that’s the one thing about yoga is it’s limitless, it keeps on filling you up. Even when you think “I can’t do this”, it’s there for you.
SHELLEY – I witnessed such a big transformation in your body this past year – when you first started yoga with me, it seemed like it was hard for you to connect with your body and hard to know where your limbs were in space. After your diagnosis with Ehlers Danlo/hypermobility syndrome, things started to make more sense to you, especially around the need for clear boundaries in your joints and your life. From my perspective, I see more welcoming of your own self and your own body – like you are now more able to include all of you. How does it feel from your perspective?
DEE – When I learned I was hypermobile, I was like “oh, you’re not clumsy!” My body… it didn’t feel like a dark cloud anymore. I had to learn to work with it and slow down. The freezing up, the locking of my knees – it still happens, but I catch it – and I’ve noticed my breath stops when I do it, so now I notice my breath more, I notice my body more. It goes hand in hand. I’m learning to walk all over again but I feel more grounded, more secure.
SHELLEY – I’ve been so impressed with your perseverance and passion as you’ve come to yoga in such a big, committed way. You’ve also been honest about how hard it’s been to feel included in all areas of your life, when you sometimes feel different from other folks around you.
DEE – To never be included, to always be the outsider – I remember having my first anxiety attack and my mom telling me “I don’t know what to tell you, you gotta breathe”. What the f*#!*? I can’t! So from that point on I hid everything about my mental health. Now I’m like okay, if I have to be different, at least now I can explain to people that I’m different and still belong, I don’t have to remove myself from life.
I have a picture of me sitting on a park bench and it makes me want to cry when I think about it. I was such a sad little kid. No one ever asked her if she was okay. At Yoga Sanctuary, I was asked “Are you okay?” and I hadn’t been asked that. I hadn’t asked all the parts of myself that.
SHELLEY – And when you asked if all the parts of you were okay, it led to more kindness toward yourself?
DEE – Yeah, more kindness to Little Me. I printed out a picture of me in the 4th grade. Every morning I tell her “we’re okay”. And that led me to look at a little bit older version of me – now I have 5 different photos of me! I have these people in me to take care of – sitting down and coloring or watching a cartoon.
SHELLEY – Do you know how profound this is? Healing yourself with these steps towards self-care and self-love – it’s like radical inclusion; you’re including all of yourself along the way.
DEE – I found ME. Oh man, did I find me! The little girl smothered from being left time and time again. I found the teenage me looking for love. I found the mom who didn’t know what to do besides love her children. I found the friend that was taken for granted. I wrapped my arms around them — included all of them. I know what I missed out on, but it’s okay. It’s not on me. I can either keep dwelling on it and get stuck there, or I can go to Hobby Lobby and start building a dollhouse. Or go buy an Easy-Bake Oven! I was mad I didn’t have these things but I can give them to Little Me now.
SHELLEY – Yes, and you must be aware of your internal narrative. If you aren’t aware of your anger, if you’re not able to look back and stay with it (Where is that hurt? What am I mad about?) then you can’t actually go in and make amends with it. You are staying with your hurt long enough that you can do some of your own healing.
DEE – I feel like I’ve been the villain, which doesn’t mean you’re the bad guy but your heart is cold and everything you think about is just ME. It’s hate and anger. What do I do with my anger? I can’t bring people into a new lifestyle by leading with anger. I was always scared I was gonna lose my kids and I never wanted them to be the ones with the crazy mom. All of these things made the ‘past me’ grow up as an introvert, feeling like I don’t belong. I traveled alone, I did everything alone and I was so angry. I learned I have to start from the very beginning to become a person that can give and not want nothin’ back. I just want you to love yourself.
SHELLEY – Isn’t that interesting though? That when you feel more connected to you, there’s room to connect to other people?
DEE – We don’t know anything about the woman walking out of a store – she might not have been able to buy everything her kids want, you don’t know what she’s going through. So letting the door slam on her, that’s horrible. Inclusion is holding the door open. I don’t know why I care now, I didn’t used to, but it’s become a part of my everyday life. I wake up on random days and text positive things to friends.
SHELLEY – You’re sharing it.
DEE – But I’m not nice, I’m kind. I feel like being nice is like spraying perfume over poop. I’m being kind because I really want people to know that it’s gonna be okay. And when people know that it’s okay, they feel included, they feel like they belong, they feel safe.
SHELLEY – You are taking the healing you’ve experienced from working through your own anger, and you’re creating yoga spaces for other people to come in and heal.
DEE – Yeah, I really care now and that’s opened doors up for me inside. I include people in my yoga sessions that are really nervous walking through the door; I reach out to people and I feel like I really see them. Queen’s pose (supported supine cobbler) has been such a strong pose for me and the bodies coming to sessions at Sunshyne’s Treasures. People ask me for that pose and say, “I felt so liberated.” I can sit and think and include my whole body from the top of my head to my feet, and know I’m secure.
CLOSING
During a session in our holistic yoga teacher training on trauma-informed yoga, Dee honestly expressed that “according to my ACE scores, I should have been dead a long time ago.” As teachers, we always seek to understand how to better include everyone when sharing yoga. We witnessed so much transformation with Dee that this work seems to walk hand-in-hand with including all the parts of ourselves as both teachers and students. We are not pushing uncomfortable feelings down, not pushing away painful experiences, not pushing ourselves to be someone that we are not. Like Dee, we are trying to stay present with the breath, noticing when we freeze or lock up, holding it all loosely, palms and hearts as open as we are able.
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